Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Stage Fright~~

So. Yesterday I realized that I could import my blog to Facebook where my old high school and college buddies could read it......I thought it would be a great idea........until this morning. When I got what can only be called stage fright.

This morning, as I sat down to blog, I went blank for a minute. Then, as ideas began to flow, one by one each of them was put aside. So I got up and did a few of my favorite things (you know, laundry, breakfast dishes, clean out the rabbits hutch). Then, I got a cup of coffee and tried again. And nothing was going to be just right.........then it hit me.

Most of you who read this thing don't know me personally....there's a safety in that that I didn't realize before. Those college friends and high school friends? They know me. At least they knew the old me. And I got stage fright. I got a fear of their judgement regarding just who it is that I've become in the journey since we all parted ways. When they read my words, they may be basing their understanding of them on that old girl they used to know and while I am still that girl I am no longer just that girl.

And then this revelation led to me thinking about just how much I differ from that teenager they all knew.... in a way I've actually come full circle and returned to the life I knew as a child - a child those high school and college friends didn't know because that child was an Air Force Brat who never stayed in one place for very long. A child whose parents always bought a house that was not too close to town and not too far out in the country - a place where their children could raise chickens, ride horses, and eat home raised pigs and pond raised cat fish...unless they absolutely had to live on or near a base and couldn't provide that for us.

Those old friends knew the teenager who pushed boundaries and sometimes walked on the wrong side for a while before getting it back together. They knew a girl who sometimes dreamed of being a "star".....but did I ever share the real dreams I had with them? Dreams that brought me exactly to where I am now.......and who I am now? I can't remember.

So I got a little stage fright. I got all those little butterfly feelings like I used to before I walked on stage to face an I wrote this out though, that stage fright worked itself out just a little, just like it did in the days of performing.......

and then something else hit me......there may not be an audience.....they might not even read this thing...

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